Real Talk Vol. 2: Mystery Men
Here is the scenario. You are scrolling through your favorite street style photography blog and you stop short: you can’t breathe, your eyes get watery, you start flinging your arms around (A.K.A Flipper hands) and you chant “Ohmigawd, ohmigawd, ohmigawd”. When you are done squealing about the Italian guy with the Superga sneakers, Nikon camera, cigarette, BAPE camo jacket, and J. Crew chinos, you turn around to notice that your fashion freak out wasn’t inside you head and all of your co-workers saw you… and you don’t work at Who What Wear.
That man that you just had a desk orgasm over is one of what I like to call Mystery Men. They don’t really exist! They go into hibernation and then when Paris fashion week comes around they strut their stuff and are never to be seen again. Some of these men actually work in fashion and some of them survive off of cigarettes and Jack Daniels so they can buy the Mr. Porter X Original Fake tie (I just made that collaboration up, sounds real though right?) These men are so stunning, so perfect and so fashionable that something has to be wrong with them… no one is that perfect. They most likely are broke, alcoholics, assholes or trust fund babies that didn’t find their niche in college.
Now, I do not hate on a fashionable man because living in D.C. you see a lot of really stylish guys hoping off the metro with a cup of Joe but, come on the men on these websites are too damn good! They are too polished, too forward and too dreamy. I mean throw on a hideous sock or Hanes boxers to let me know that there is a little bit of “I don’t give a shit, I’m a man” in you somewhere!
I have found ways to help you cure your heart break over men that only exists to your knowledge on the internet.
1. Don’t look at the websites… damn you Tommy Tom!
2. Just tell yourself that they are all gay… all though you know that it is a backwards thought and stereotypical assumption to make of a fashionable man.
3. Get a real life man and make him look like a Mystery Man.
4. Cry yourself to sleep at night alone.
There you have it. Men of the internet breaking hearts and looking sharp you will affect me no more! Go run to a knit wear sale at Brooks Brothers or something!